It is not easy to always have understanding, not even for yourself, let alone for others. It’s not easy to get up every day and find reasons to laugh and be positive. It is not easy to persevere again and again, to love, to build, to try, to listen…
Have you tried listening to anyone lately? Without running parallel monologues in your head? Without judging and passing other people’s lives, experiences and emotions through the filters of your experiences?
And did you really manage to hear that someone?
It often seems to me that people think they’re listening, but they’re actually spinning in their heads who knows what. And then they miss the essentials things. They miss people, people leak through their fingers just like sand, while they are busy ‘listening’.
We are used to promising a lot, but rarely does anyone really stand behind their words in deeds. We expect that they will turn a blind eye to it, that the other party will always have understanding for our failures. We take people for granted and then we are amazed when one day we turn around and realize that they are no longer there or that they are simply very angry with us and often even worse, disappointed.
I don’t know how to fix disappointment.
It’s the only thing I never succeeded in, neither when others were disappointed, nor when I was disappointed. And I’m not disappointed very easily. It takes many, many omissions on the part of someone who has been very, very important to me, so that I can be disappointed.
And that last crunch needs to happen, somewhere in the very center of my being, to realize that I no longer look at that someone with the same eyes.
It’s weird actually that this can happen in a split second, because of some little thing. But that little thing is just the tip of the iceberg, on a pile of little things that have become too heavy to carry on my own. And then when I realize that I am tired and that I do not need a burden that is not predestined for the shoulders of only one soul, I stop and just lower it.
It will be a liberating moment, no matter how sad it is in its essence.
I don’t give up on people easily, but I force myself to let go when I realize that they gave up on themselves a long time ago because they didn’t respect our relationship. A person who respects itself, keeps its word, does not let people through its fingers, does not allow itself to lose those who would turn the planet for them. They do not nurture its own ego more than sincere friendships.
But I realize that many will really prefer to let someone really valuable leave them than say – ‘I’m sorry. Forgive me. ’And that fact hurts. It hurts to know that someone’s ego is more important than everyone and everything you’ve shared, but you accept that because you have no choice anyway.
You can stay in a relationship that is not healthy, where you are taken for granted with the idea – ‘We will do it easily’, or you can go your own way and choose to be where people really appreciate your effort, loyalty and commitment.
And it’s not easy to make that decision, especially when you love someone very much, but all relationships are two-way streets and don’t apply if only you are constantly pulling your train.
It took me a very long time to figure it out. It took me a while to wake up one morning and realize I’m not a bad person if I turn around and leave relationships that don’t fulfill me, in which I always give and listen a lot more to promises that people aren’t willing to fulfill, when in fact I never asked them for anything.
I also realized that I am very rarely disappointed from that moment, and when that happens, I will be aware that I have probably seen in them my projection of their potential. A potential that may not exist at all or is buried somewhere very, very deep, beneath layers and layers of their insecurities and complexes, pain, injuries, and their own disappointments.
And just because I know there are those layers and those pains, I don’t condemn them because I don’t have a right to that anyway. But I don’t even blame them, because that would only hurt myself. I let them go, so they don’t hurt me, because they didn’t give me a chance to reach them. And now I don’t even have the will for that anymore.
I think the disappointment is just that, a loss of will on our part to try harder to reach someone.
It’s not the death of emotions, it’s not even the loss of the fact that you truly wish them all the best, you just don’t have the will to fight the windmills anymore.
And so you let go. And you realize it was just another life lesson. Maybe a little painful. Maybe you don’t even know what it was for? But over time, you somehow realize that you grew through it and that with the knowledge you have, you can only be better to yourself, but also to some new, completely different people.
And you don’t stop believing in miracles. You don’t stop looking for the good in people, you don’t stop believing in their potential and you never really stop hoping that one of these ‘Write-Offs’ will eventually choose a person rather than an ego, and surprise you with’ I’m sorry ‘or’ Forgive me ‘.
It is human to make mistakes. You learned that a long time ago.