Talking to my relatives these few months has represented a mental challenge for me. A challenge that is assembled of obstacles to endure bourgeois stories, while listening to never-ending stories of politics, how in the past it was better to how to live my life. An mission impossible with me in the main role.
After some time, I completely lost the feeling that I called once this place a “home”. For me, the home is a feeling of self-determination when I get up, what I eat, what I cook, where I go, when I come back without redundancy and overwhelming.
I was thinking how many of us, thirty-year-olds, are not aware of how much this decade determines the direction in which we will be socially positioned.
And the theory that you can really change your life by 180 degrees if you are responsible just for yourself, but if you are responsible for another or two living beings, you realize that your egotism and needs for the next twenty years are not and will not be in the first place.
For this reason, I respect everyone’s right to choose, but do not respect the philosophy of how someone else has it easy or easier or “see her buying a dress from a couple of thousand” because she chose a completely different direction life.
While somebody builds a career, someone else brings up children, some manage to pull both at the same time, and the point is that we have all the different physical and mental capacities, wills and motivations to achieve our own goals.
Growing up in a small town I have seen from the firsthand how your parents, relatives and society you live in could influence your own life and your choices in life. The myth that you will not be able to get out of this sludge jobs from nine to five and that you will return home asking your love ones where you went wrong and why nothing worked out for you. There are still myths that middle-class exponential growth and success does not go all the way linearly up, one-step at the time.
According to that myth, if your parents have finished high school, for you the norm would be a college degree and up to 50% higher paycheck than their individual pay. If you manage to “survive” without any loans, you will fall in to ten percent of the richest people in Croatia with little common sense without problems.
It sounds tempting that life when is lived according to the masses or weaned that your ultimate goal is to get yourself out of shit. The sluggish taste in your mouth begins to feel as you develop consciousness that it is not your desire and life is too short to live with the social power. Or you just get lost and forget what you wanted to accomplish while you were a kid.
Some years ago there was a talk that there will be a big business center in my home town with lots of job opportunities and everybody will get a job there. Believing in various different political promises and games, my naively hoped that I would be so lucky mitigating circumstances that my work place will be literally under the nose.
After all those years, that business center is being developed in a slug kind of pace and few people expect a magical job position, if it is not already pre-determined. It is a typical story of a small Croatian place where everybody knows everyone.
Thus, my grandmother with a few of my family that came to visit over the holidays commented that I was “smarter” I would already have a safe job there.
Because my dream is to work from nine to five jobs two hundred yards away from home so that I can build life on a famous Balkan motto: House – job, job – house …
I avoid such discussions with rolling my eyes telling them that I do not want to open my mouth and lose time on those topics, especially good-for-good advice that has nothing to do with good intentions, let alone advice.
A dozen minutes of searching my life, which has nothing to do with the last years of my life, ended with a briefing:
“Marta why can’t you live like other normal people?!”
“… because I am not “other people”.”
„And you are not normal.” – my husband would add if he was present