All love is written with “I love you”, yet … you do not write love to me like that.
Prancing on her toes to reach your lips, to give you that last kiss before you get out of the door to do what you are so good at, telling you: Be careful.
You are looking at me, and in your gaze, I take the opportunity to lurk into your world once again before you are gone to do another gig, set up another concert, make a new mass party …
I have taught myself to let you go, praying to the heavens for another road marathon ends as it should and that you all get form one part of the country to another safe. From one country to another. To successfully come back from one corner of the universe and make my whole universe whole again.
I’ve learned to let you go and keep quiet, to you and to the world that I love you. I learned to be silent and live love. And do not talk about how much my heart misses you, and how the days without you are beautiful still, but we still feel your absence. Those days and me.
I left out I love you, because what “I love you” means without: Call me when you arrive.
Sometimes it seems to us that our coexistence is running over time. You’re leaving, I’m coming back. You’re back, I’m leaving. You breathe music. I words. You’re setting your stage, lighting, and sound again. I sat under the night lamp at my desk. Setting up words to touch one another. To feel. To form an unbreakable whole. Like we do, you and me.
So when you join me in my part of the universe, I accept you even though you do not say I love you. You do not say it but you ask me: Did you write today?
I think, you wrote with me, but I answer: Yes. The words wrote themselves.
A little silence to make out that we are again at a different corner of the universe, and we manage to form a whole. How are you? – I ask: What is like?
Good, but not good as home. – you answer, and I, through the answer, see the smile of the longing.
You are going to come back to me quickly – love answers with nothing else but love itself.
I have to go now. Band’s coming. First dinner, then we set us for sound check. I’ll call you later. – gliding love through every word.
You skip apologetically through every piece of work. Through each of my tears, glide through the understanding and attention and presence of the whole universe every time you return.
It is not easy to be caught in such a network of infinite love that hurts, and with liveliness and passion often keeps the separated two loops of a connected soul. It is not easy to be caught in the network of love for which you already know in advance that this one life will not be enough to sneak out enough, to be sufficiently passionate enough to live enough. It’s not easy to love, because happy love also has its own fuss. Because they are not perfect. Because perfect and looking for life by seeking it – it does not exist.
That is why I am asking myself……and you what I love you means? What does “I love you” mean without: please, thank you, forgive me, how are you, keep safe, good morning, nice day, sweet dreams? What I love you means without: enjoy, good luck, be brave? What I love you means without: I need you, talk to you later, I will call you?
To me nothing. Nothing means to hear I love you and get a red card to enter your life. There is nothing to me to say I love you and do not know what are you hoping for, where are you going, what you are scared of. It does not mean anything to me that you tell me “I love you” just to mask an echo in my ears, but not to know who you breathe for and who you hope is breathing for you.
What “I love you” means without- I cannot wait to get back to you? And I do not have to evaluate the truth that comes out of those words, because I know these are the words I can rely on.
Do not ask me what I love you means when I write, breathe and live love. Do not ask me for “I love you” or “I love that” ………In my world “I love you” is not shouted, it is kept. In my world that is created with good deeds, but not spoken with words.
In my world, the responsibilities, obligations and duties are shared, but providing, enjoying, giving are multiplied. In my world “I love you” is reflected on the correctness of sharing and multiplication and there is not much to do with shouting in the world and proving it to a wide audience …
To us it is enough.
… because what it means I love you without: I can hardly wait for you to come back and make my universe whole again?