Mom, I would like to tell you that I am starting to understand you.
After the initial wave of happiness when you found out I was coming to you, you were overwhelmed by fear. Only a few hours after you found out that beside yours, another heart was beating, you were caught up with the magic of maternal care. You were worried if whether I’m developing properly, if I am getting weight, if you are eating enough nutrients, if you were nervous too much and if that affects me. You asked old acquaintances not to sneeze in your direction because, as you have said, you hide your pearl in yourself – and you are in fact hiding me, mom.You did not like morning crowds on the way to work. In silence you would automatically put a bag in front of you and all this, again, to protect me. All your strength was collected and left you in pain, Mom, when I saw the light of day. And that was only a drop in the sea of fears that in that moment you didn’t even think about. Your biggest concern was whether I was breathing, and the greatest joy when they brought me in your arms, mom. I am starting to understand you now mom.
Since I was born, mom, you cried in secret, some from stress, some from worries. This is not surprising when you just look back at what you had to endure with me … cramping, teeth and vaccination. Dislocated hips at birth. Braces and constant visits to the hospital. The first steps. First falls. Deciphering clumsy words and screaming from the thrill of enthusiasm on the first, entirely, abstract drawings. I am starting to understand you now, mom.
Separation was particularly hard on you. I know you will now say that it was up to both of us, but I remember that it was hurting you more than me. When I was glued to the glass doors of the kindergarten, I knew that every step you took toward the exit was tense. I saw this, Mom, in your slow walk. And I knew, the truth, that you just kept behind the first corner. You waited to see if I was happy there so you can go to work knowing that I was taking care of and I know that it hurt like hell when you came to pick me up I asked “Why did you come for me? I want to stay.” I a staring to understand you now, mom.
With a special spark in my eyes now I remember how you, with a smile on your face, helped me to master the first texts in English, even if you, Mom, that tongue made a pretty trick. You smiled even when you followed me on the first day at school, by the way, carrying my bag for me. And, that photos of all the important days will be forever in my memory. I am staring to understand you now, mom.
If we’re quite honest, Mom, I would like to tell you that I saw in your eyes how your breathed a long with me when I started high school. Even though I already moved away from your “skirts”, even thought I had a sharp tongue and my mouth was faster than my mind, I knew you cared and you knew that whatever I set my heart in to I will get it done. Today I understand, Mom, that we have succeeded together. Clearly, you did not even care about the periodic system of elements, math, and Latin grammar, yet … the rule is that this is the most important thing in the world at the time. I am staring to understand you, mom.
Parallel to mastering school responsibilities, you never missed encouraging my soul to grow and my heart to love. You did not show us that you were tired and you never plan to give up on me. You did not, mom, gave up when I even started, I suppose, to forget to answer your calls during dates or forget to waive to me whenever I went on a trip. You did not give up on me, even when I skipped to eat what you would cook with love and then hurried to close the door of my room. I, who I once held you to the center of my world, I had been, in those teen years, giving you rolling eye looks and arrogant responses to your questions. I am starting to understand you now, mom.
No, mom … I did not imagine that I will, in a few years, have to figure out how to pace independently through life. No, mom…. I did not realize how much I need you again and that I will not meet a more loyal ally in my life then you.
– I love you. I love you Mom,
With the same heart you enabled to
Beet under yours for the first time. –